Karma, It happens.

So... Baby Daddy #2 thought he was so smart calling social services on me, but I bet he didn't count on getting hauled off to jail for drug paraphernalia possession the same night.  I just laughed.  It was too funny.  His parole hearing was today and he is definitely going back to prison, which means for the next year or so I will be able to sleep a little bit better.

I'm so excited that this happened right before finals, because the way  things were going, I honestly don't know if I could have even concentrated enough to do any kind of good on any of the papers or tests I have coming up. Well I guess Karma really can be a person's best friend, or their worst enemy, I guess it just depends on which end of the rope you are on!

Hell is a place some people just belong

So... I have been going 50/50 trying to let Baby Daddy #2 see his kids, even though he is the one who abandoned them when Daegan was 7 months old and I was pregnant with Evie. Tell me that I was doing the right thing by letting him have a part in their lives. I thought I was doing the right thing.  On Nov. 30th it was a hard day for me, it was my son Tyce's birthday. He would have been 4 years old.  Instead of grieving over my lost son, me and Chris got into a fight and I broke down. He doesn't quite understand what I go through in those situations.


To top it off, on his birthday I get a call from a guy at the police department stating that he was with social services and wanted to come over and view Daegan.  Not Victoria, not Evie, only Daegan.  Apparantly Baby Daddy #2 thought it would be an awesome idea to turn me in, saying he suspected I was beating me son. Seriously.. me... beating my son. I can barely discipline these kids.  I hate... absolutely HATE physical punishment of any kind.  Since he had some bruises on his legs that apparantly meant I was beating him...
Well Mr. Baby Daddy #2... if you wouldn't have abandoned your son you would know what all his sensory integration disorder entails.  My son bangs his head every night while going to sleep, he does it in his sleep in the middle of the night, he does it when he gets mad, he does it when he feels out of control. He doesn't quite feel pain like other kids, so he tends to be more rough and doesn't easily learn from getting hurt, because he doesn't.


I have come to the conclusion that I hate Baby Daddy #2 and there is no coming back from this one.  I feel like his place is to be in hell, or back in prison, whichever would be worse on him.  I honestly want to know what he is trying to do.  I think he has messed up these kids' lives enough.  F**k him.  That's right I said it.

I remember a time

How cliched but this is how I feel when memories are brought up. This is officially dedicated to: Baby Daddy # 2

I remember a time when I was vulnerable and weak

You swelled my lips so badly I could barely speak

Tasting the blood building up inside my cheek

The tears falling down my face like a faucet with a fast leak

I remember a time when I was so fragile and scared

It was me, with your friends, in which you always shared

Making me do those degrading things while you sat there and stared

You had a real pathetic way of showing you cared

I remember a time when I was sadly profound

I thought because of our kids that we were forever bound

Even after all the bruises you left pushing me around

How many times did you throw me into walls and push me to the ground?

I remember a time when I was susceptible and disband

I guess no is a word that was just too hard to understand

After all of this I still felt like you had the upper hand

Thankfully you aren’t what the future had planned

I remember a time when I was delicate and afraid

You’re gone, but I hope you know all these scars have stayed

My heart still has the marks you left with your blade

My mind will always be in ruins from all the memories you portrayed

I remember a time when I was in pain and agony

You can’t hurt me anymore, I feel so relieved and free

Now I can finally rebuild myself and feel what it’s like to really be me

Now when you put the blame all on me, I can finally knowingly disagee

Now I can say I feel accepted and respected

My life is much easier when I can, once again with someone, be connected

I can now know when I need someone there I won’t be redirected

Now I have someone who makes me feel loved and protected

Now I can say I feel cherished and desired

He makes me feel worthy and actually admired

Instead of putting me down, he makes me so inspired

It’s such a nice change to feel this way, no vulnerability required

Being a Mom and Being Sick Really Sucks

So I have been horribly sick all day, I'm thinking the flu.  That mean I didn't have to go to school today... YAY!! That also means I got to keep my kids home today and still change diapers and make food and break up some fights and be a trampoline.  I have a sectional, so why my kids choose to still jump on the couch I'm on, hence jumping on me, instead of the OTHER couch, I'll never know.  Not to mention the new puppy needing to go outside in the cold every hour. If you don't normally go out every hour when I'm gone, why must you do it when I'm home sick?
One thing I'm sure of, that's okay. In the end it will all be worth it.  I can't get mad at them for being kids and doing what they normally do.  It's hard to not get mad sometimes. I try my hardest.
It's early and the kids are now sleeping and so I am in about ten minutes! I need to go to school tomorrow. One class, no school on Friday, I think I can handle one class. Then I'll have three days to get better by the time I am to go to school again.  Goodnight!

Trick Or Treat!!!

So besides my feet hurting like heck and the impossibility of getting any good pictures of my kids all together, Halloween wasn't all too bad!! here are a few of my favorite shots I got tonight!

Here is Daegan... the best picture I got of him all night!! He kept walking INTO peoples houses!! Oh geez.

 Here is Mizz Victoria with my BEST FRIEND EVER, Robin.

Victoria and my little sister Kendalynn... don't let my sister fool you, the only difference between her and her costume.. IS the costume, she is always a little witch ;-)

Tried to get a good one of Evie and Daegan, but the only one I ended up getting good ones of is Evie!!

Awwww here is pregnant me, the egg, and Chris being his bacony self!... or would it be baconey?? hmmm

Me and my hunny bunny!!! Wakey Wakey Eggz n Bacey!!!

Hope everyone had a safe and fun Halloween!!!

Pumpkins!!!!

So we finally got our pumpkins done!! It took a total of about 5 hours but they are done.  I wanted to do two. I had plans to do two, but since I prepped everyone else's I got a late start on mine and Chris ended up taking over my Mario :( pooey.  Oh well.

Victoria's Ariel-She did VERY well for 6 yrs old! Last year she needed a lot of help and now she didn't need hardly any!

Then Chris did his cool ghost/zombie monster.  I happened to pick out this patter btw.....

Then I had just gotten my Mario prepped and Chris offered persistently that he would do it :( Mario was one of the easiest ones and I was excited to do it for my son Daegan- my little video game freak!

 Well, since that left me with my last pumpkin I did Chucky! My son's other favorite character. He is my little horror film fanatic!! The kid is obsessed!

So these are our pumpkins for Halloween of 2011. I hope no one smashes them and even though we live on a low traffic road I hope they can get in a couple days of appreciation!!

If I had all the magic in the world

If I had all the magic in the world I would definitely give
myself a big enough house to fit all of my kids in it.  I would
only ask for a bedroom for each one of them and a library for
my books.  I would make sure everyone I cared about had what
they needed.  I would do my best to repay every favor that
anyone has even done for me.
If I had all the magic in the world I would give all the
homeless children wonderful parents and loving homes.
If I had all the magic in the world I would give all of the
homeless animals warm places to stay with people who care.
If I had all the magic in the world I would find some way to
change the ways of every person that has performed some sort of
cruel act to a child, animal, or other person.
If I had all the magic in the world I would take away all discriminations... discriminations about sexuality, religion, race, and sex.  Everyone is equal.

Families Can Be Difficult

So I have this cousin... well, I'll call him Matt.  Well, his name is Matt, but he can't really read so I know he will probably never really read this.  I honestly want to help him, and I have tried and tried to spend time with him, and keep him away from bad people but I'm on my last breath with trying to help.  I just don't know what else to do.  He has done over 15 drugs in the last month.  He is an adrenaline drunkie and he steals and drives recklessly on purpose to actually roll his car.  I can't keep having him at my house around my kids because he is just such a bad example.
The last time we invited him over for a bonfire, just a small pit fire in our driveway, and we were actually having a pretty good time.  We like to help him out, but he decided to wander around our yard finding random stuff to throw into the fire.  Well he walked over and had something behind his back and the next thing I knew he was throwing a half-full container of lighter fluid into my fire. The same fire that was right next to my trailer... the same trailer that my kids were sleeping in.  Thankfully Chris was actually thinking and had Matt run and grab the water hose before my kids went up in flames along with everything I've ever owned.

Matt just isn't a thinker.  He thinks everything illegal is fun and cool.  He is 21 years old and has the mentality of a 12 year old. I'm not just saying this to be cruel. I'm serious. I just don't know what to do anymore.  He is a lost cause. You can't help someone who just doesn't want help. It's depressing.

Look Who Got What She Wanted!!!!!

So... I normally whine and pout and even make myself cry when I don't get what I want... well... that never seems to work with Chris, so when I knew the Shiba Inu/American Eskimo mix was going to be in at the mall last night I knew I had to take a different approach to get what I wanted.  So... instead of whining and pouting I sucked it up, went and started cooking spaghetti and acting sad, but not "trying" to seem like I was.
So... when Chris asked what was wrong I just said I was sad because we couldn't go look at the puppies!
Well, either my ploy worked or he just felt extremely bad at my fail at cooking(once again), but at about 7:30 he ended up taking my oldest and going to the pet store and getting my new puppy!!! I am a happy happy lady right now!!

Well... except when he told me he was going to work on his homework, I got up to go to the bathroom, and seen he was in fact, not working on his homework and I wanted to cuddle but no, he was not doing his homework he was fooling around on the internet doing not homeworky things. Grrr, maybe I have no right to be mad, he just bought me a five hundred dollar dog!! Anyways, I'm a woman. I get what I want, but sometimes that just still isn't enough. Well, I am going to smoke a cigarette, watch another episode of Samantha Who and go to bed because I have philosophy tomorrow and I absolutely hate that class, but what do ya do?

My Life Is A Comedy

So... My attempt at making spaghetti for supper tonight failed miserably.  It wasn't until everyone had their food and I sat down to start on mine that I realized I somehow completely messed up the noodles.  Why does the art of cooking not think nicely of me?  Ugh.  My face must have been hilarious when I took my first bite because Chris started laughing hysterically.  I wondered why he was still eating his, but he was being a great sport about it, and if I wouldn't have made him out his plate down and go make another batch of noodles that guy would have downed the entire plate.
Oh well. My day has just been dandy anyways.  Didn't get to do my presentation.... AGAIN.  Why my group decided we shouldn't sit together today and all be off in our own little worlds I have no idea.  Not like they care I guess because they aren't the ones who spent a lot of time on a poster board and had to try their darnedest not to let it get ruined, and bring it to class day after day.  I have three kids, do you know how ridiculous it is to try and keep them away from something and not let them destroy it?!?! Aparantly the people in my group don't. I wanted to go the first day, but nooooo one girl wasn't there. Well guess what? TOOOO FRIGGIN BAD!!! You lose points. Not my problem. I showed up to class.  We were suppose to go today, but nooooooo the group that went first took half the class period to do theres.
It's a wonder how my teacher does not go absolutely INSANE. I know I would. People seem to have no respect for her.  Noone likes to have their powerpoints emailed ahead of time, or have the sound plugged in. I don't know how many times she has announced that this must all be done ahead of time.
Maybe one day she will rule out group assignments.  They are a waste of time.  Next time, I will ask if there is an alternate assignment instead.

My youngest, Evie, has a double ear infection and is crabbier then heck.  I want a new dog.  They have a shibu inu/ american eskimo mic coming into the pet store. I begged Chris over and over and maybe I will get it.  I have a miniature american eskimo right now, and a shibu inu has always been my wish!!! Ugggghhh I realize we are squeezed for room but I want another darn dog!! Dogs don't take up that much space. Hello. Ugh. Anyways, I am off to work on some annotated bibs.  I have two classes that I need to do these for.  Off I go.

Been a Few Days

So I am absolutley loaded with homework this weekend! Did I mention how much I absolutely hate, and I mean HATE, group projects? Uggggh. I would much rather have ten papers to write this weekend! I can write papers easily.  But no, instead I have to work on this group project... plus I have a 3 page paper in Social Problems, I have a 5 page paper to write by Tuesday for Philosophy, which has a test included, and I have a 10 page paper due for Comp 2. Why does this world hate me so much?
My white Mollie fish did end up dying on Friday, along with my black Mollie today. I'm not left with 2 skirted tetras, 3 neon tetras and 4 guppies. ugh. even my ghost shrimp died on Friday.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It seems like it happens after I do a partial water change.
Well off of sad subjects, I finished all of my seasons of King of the Hill, which I'm slightly happy about, I was getting sick of it, becoming uninterested when it was on.  Then I watched 2 seasons of Sister Wives. Now I am back to my Law and Order SVU. Darn Netflix and their abundance of television shows and movies.
Anyways, I am back to working on my homework. Putting the kids to bed in just a bit.

Oh the joys of my life

School dragged on and on today. Although, we are now on my most favorite topic ever in Humanities! Poetry! I've been putting my thoughts onto paper and turning them into magical poems since I was twelve. What a stress reliever! Getting lost in a piece of paper. It irritated me how many people in my class had the lack of want to learn about this.  No one seemed to appreciate any of the poems we went over.  It saddens me.
On another note, I came home to find my two dalmatian mollies dying in my fish tank :( I'm trying the best I can to get them through this, but I'm not so sure I can with my lack of money to spend on fish medications and what not.
Well, on a better note, I am waiting for tomorrow to hurry and come because I find out if I am having a boy or a girl (hopefully). That is if the baby cooperates.  Ugh.
And I'm also waiting for this weekend. I will be getting a call to see if I am getting a new dog or not. A Pomeranian mix. Just adorable.  One other person will be looking before me, but I will be waiting for that phone call! If that other person does not want that dog, it is my destiny to get it! Well off to bed. Another long day tomorrow. Not to mention Philosophy class :( my least favorite class ever.

Honestly I don't get it

I went through a time of confusion recently. I had suppressed feelings that needed to be released into the open and dealt with. Well I, like so many people before me have and many others will do, made a mistake.  My ex-fiance, father of three of my children, got released from prison Sept 16th and I had certain relations with him after my feelings came flooding back.  In the meantime, my current fiance was at home sleeping on our couch.  I'm not proud of what I've done, and I realized now where I went wrong and what I needed to do to fix things. My mind was such a jumble because I didn't, or didn't want to deal with my own thoughts. Well, at least I got it out of my system and learned a little more about myself, but I hurt the man who loves me in the process. No, I'm not proud in the least, but at least I can take something out of this.
So what did I do? I put my current fiance in the middle as a mediator between my ex-fiance and myself.  Maybe that was a mistake on my part, but I thought it would make things easier. Wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong.  My ex got a new girlfriend, who is the age of his mother mind you (disgusting) and didn't work for over a week. Do you think he could try and see his children on his unemployed streak? No. He would rather spend his time doing childish things with childish people, and doing the nasty with his even nastier girlfriend.
So when I agreed to do things my way for once, and let people know I was not going to be walked all over this time, I get shoved to the floor.  I offered a time for him to have his kids for two hours.  It seemed like a reasonable amount of time for someone that they don't even know and for someone that doesn't even seem to fully care.  So what does my current fiance do? He asks me if we could give my ex an entire extra hour. Screw that!!!

Today is Just Not a Good Day

I honestly feel like I am going no where in life. I am trying so hard to make everyone happy, but that is impossible, for when I make one person happy another becomes unhappy.  School is getting harder and harder. Not the homework or the amount of time it requires to commit.  It's just life.  For years now I have been the one who stays at home.  I never get out and do anything.  The one night I got a babysitter, my boyfriend wants to play bingo. We had an offer for  Sioux hockey game tickets, but no, he would rather play bingo.
What the hell!
I love my teachers. I have my two favorite teachers this semester, which makes it even worse when I have to miss class.  It always seems like I miss the days when assignments or tests are due too. My mind seems like a swirl of nothing and every class seems to run together like paint with too much water.  I can't remember what is due on what day in what class. I think I'm going insane.
My kids are usually the ones that cheer me up but today they are driving me to the brink.  Homework is absolutely impossible to get done when they are awake.  They have been having crabby spasms lately and seem to want 100% attention 100% of the time. Maybe it was my mistake having three, and now having another on the way, but I wouldn't give them up for anything. I just wish I had more time, energy, and arms for them all.
Philosophy class today. Completely unmotivated to go. I wonder what we will do. There is a test on Tuesday so I probably should go. I hate this life sometimes.

When You Ask Me What My Feelings Are

When You Ask Me What My Feelings Are

I don’t know what I’ve been feeling

Perhaps it's the ways with them I’ve been dealing

It's simply nonexistent

Not giving them a thought is my way to vent

So when you ask me what my feelings are

My answer is simply bizarre

I cannot give you an answer

Thoughts within me become a blur

I’ve trained myself to push them aside

By that rule I’ve always been one to abide

So you see, when you ask me what my feelings are

My answer is simply bizarre

All the thoughts in my mind become misted

Words turn into my tongue being twisted

Not even a clue of what I could say

Retraining my emotions seems like the only way

When you ask me what my feelings are

My answer is simply bizarre

Trying to think deep down inside

Turns my mind into a roller coaster ride

I’m honestly not trying to keep you out

Oh how relieving it would be to release it all with a shout

But when you ask me what my feelings are

My answer is simply bizarre

I cannot give you one

I’ve got plenty, deep down stored, weighing me down with more than a ton

It’s not something I’m proud of, I honestly want to share

I want you to know, and I want to show you I care

Now, when you ask me what my feelings are

My answer is simply bizarre
by: Snowflake Gypsy