Borderline Personality Disorder I was cleaning and found an old poem I wrote!!!

Untitled

I know I've lost your trust with all of my lies
I can still see the hurt from each one of them in your eyes
I can't blame you if you never fully forgive me
This really isn't the person I want to be

Sometimes my heart sings out madness
Occasionally, for no reason, it cries out sadness
I know that I'm not perfect
Actually quite confident I'm wrecked

I know it's too often I have an attitude
I stupidly say things that are rude
I have honestly never hurt you intentionally
I love you completely:
Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually, and Mentally

I know I make you mad when I close up and get shy
I've just never had someone love me enough to pry
You've shown me a love that's sentimental and true
Try to understand this love you've shown, to me, is brand new

Please be patient, please be kind
Give me a while before I can adjust my mind
To this magical loving you've provided for me
And I'll do the best to make this relationship
everything you want it to be

There's nothing I wont do to keep you by my side
Maybe one day you can actually look at me with pride
If I'm lucky, there might be a day when I can look into your eyes
and see that I make you truly happy
That day might not come, and than my world will shatter
When I need to set you free

Don't Hate: Life Happens

So I realize... it's been a long time. Okay, a REALLY long time. I honestly forgot I even had a blog! I guess there has been ALOT that's happened since I've wrote. I don't even know where to start.  I suppose an apology, for anyone who is following me, is in order. I honestly don't know what happened. I was so excited to be starting a blog, and then I dropped off the face of the internet.

I was getting sick and tired of my Yahoo account (actually my daughter's Yahoo account- I flooded mine up with too much spam and newsletters) and decided to try and log into my gmail account. It's been about one and one half years since I've even checked  my gmail! As I was going through old emails, cleaning out the inbox of all the junk google and youtube have sent me, I noticed an email that had someone's name on it. This someone just so happens to be the amazing woman who inspired me to start my blog in the first place!

Imagine how badly I felt when I realized she had commented on my blog... back in 2011. I must have been such a disapointment to her! She was so proud that I had a blog in her comments. I looked at Chris(my S.O.) and excitedly remarked, "Oh my Gosh! I forgot about my Blog!!" His response was none other than, "You had a blog? I forgot about that." Of course he did, because if he hadn't, he could have reminded me! He's supposed to be the one with the good memory!

So if I have any followers left at this point, again I apologize. I am going to start writing more, now that I've remembered. I'll try to start catching up with my blogs. There is a lot to tell! I have stories about Baby Daddy #1, Baby Daddy #2, Baby Daddy #3, and loads of stories about myself and my kids and my family. It's all ready to come out and I just need to catch up on my own life I suppose.

Once I get through a few days, maybe weeks(hey it's been a LONG time!), of catching up in the last few years, I most certainly want to start up in the present again!

Sometimes it feels 90/10

Usually Chris is complaining about me not pulling my weight and not doing things 50/50 with him, and he's right, especially lately.  I sometimes don't feel like I have the energy to do things, and it's only getting worse.  Well it's getting really really worse.  My bones are hurting, my muscles are becoming unbearable, and I just feel like I want to collapse if I'm up for more than ten minutes.  I busted my @$$ off the last 3 nights, staying up until 5 in the morning washing clothes trying to do something so that I can contribute to getting this house done before the baby comes. 


Maybe I'm being rude or talking nonsense, but it really pisses me off.  Chris stayed up all night to get the carpet in the hall done and he uses his time to play video games.  I was walking back and forth doing laundry and he couldn't even empty or load the dryer for me.  I shouldn't have to ask, but he seems to think that I do.  I finally tell him how I feel about things and he yells at me and gets angry.  I don't understand.  I hate how much his impatience and anger comes out sometimes.  I honestly think that he may be bipolar or something. I love the guy to death, but honestly, he has some issues.  He acts like I'm the only one with problems, but at least I can admit that I have them.  


I just want some help, and some things seem like they should be obvious when I'm this drained and hurting to help out without me having to ask.  He complains I don't open up, but when I do he always lashes out.  I just don't know if I can handle it anymore.  If somethings wrong, and he notices, it goes two ways... either I tell him and he gets upset and lashes out about what it is, or I say nothing and he freaks out about me not telling him the truth and telling him how I feel. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice every time he even talks to me.  I don't know how to handle this situation. 


I open up about feeling like I'm dying with this pregnancy, and instead of trying to be sympathetic or caring, he lashes out and turns it around on himself saying he doesn't feel good either and at least mine will go away, while his wrists won't.  I don't think he understands what being pregnant is like.  I hate baby daddy #2, but I can say that he was one hell of an understanding help when I was pregnant.  It was when he showed the most compassion and love towards me, it's like he knew exactly what I needed.  I'm not saying I wish it was him here instead, because I don't, I absolutely hate the guy, but it can't be that hard to try if baby daddy #2 can do it. Ugh.  Okay, enough complaining. I just have no one else to talk to.  I have no friends, and I can't tell my family because they might start looking down on him and that's not what I need.

Karma, It happens.

So... Baby Daddy #2 thought he was so smart calling social services on me, but I bet he didn't count on getting hauled off to jail for drug paraphernalia possession the same night.  I just laughed.  It was too funny.  His parole hearing was today and he is definitely going back to prison, which means for the next year or so I will be able to sleep a little bit better.

I'm so excited that this happened right before finals, because the way  things were going, I honestly don't know if I could have even concentrated enough to do any kind of good on any of the papers or tests I have coming up. Well I guess Karma really can be a person's best friend, or their worst enemy, I guess it just depends on which end of the rope you are on!

Hell is a place some people just belong

So... I have been going 50/50 trying to let Baby Daddy #2 see his kids, even though he is the one who abandoned them when Daegan was 7 months old and I was pregnant with Evie. Tell me that I was doing the right thing by letting him have a part in their lives. I thought I was doing the right thing.  On Nov. 30th it was a hard day for me, it was my son Tyce's birthday. He would have been 4 years old.  Instead of grieving over my lost son, me and Chris got into a fight and I broke down. He doesn't quite understand what I go through in those situations.


To top it off, on his birthday I get a call from a guy at the police department stating that he was with social services and wanted to come over and view Daegan.  Not Victoria, not Evie, only Daegan.  Apparantly Baby Daddy #2 thought it would be an awesome idea to turn me in, saying he suspected I was beating me son. Seriously.. me... beating my son. I can barely discipline these kids.  I hate... absolutely HATE physical punishment of any kind.  Since he had some bruises on his legs that apparantly meant I was beating him...
Well Mr. Baby Daddy #2... if you wouldn't have abandoned your son you would know what all his sensory integration disorder entails.  My son bangs his head every night while going to sleep, he does it in his sleep in the middle of the night, he does it when he gets mad, he does it when he feels out of control. He doesn't quite feel pain like other kids, so he tends to be more rough and doesn't easily learn from getting hurt, because he doesn't.


I have come to the conclusion that I hate Baby Daddy #2 and there is no coming back from this one.  I feel like his place is to be in hell, or back in prison, whichever would be worse on him.  I honestly want to know what he is trying to do.  I think he has messed up these kids' lives enough.  F**k him.  That's right I said it.

I remember a time

How cliched but this is how I feel when memories are brought up. This is officially dedicated to: Baby Daddy # 2

I remember a time when I was vulnerable and weak

You swelled my lips so badly I could barely speak

Tasting the blood building up inside my cheek

The tears falling down my face like a faucet with a fast leak

I remember a time when I was so fragile and scared

It was me, with your friends, in which you always shared

Making me do those degrading things while you sat there and stared

You had a real pathetic way of showing you cared

I remember a time when I was sadly profound

I thought because of our kids that we were forever bound

Even after all the bruises you left pushing me around

How many times did you throw me into walls and push me to the ground?

I remember a time when I was susceptible and disband

I guess no is a word that was just too hard to understand

After all of this I still felt like you had the upper hand

Thankfully you aren’t what the future had planned

I remember a time when I was delicate and afraid

You’re gone, but I hope you know all these scars have stayed

My heart still has the marks you left with your blade

My mind will always be in ruins from all the memories you portrayed

I remember a time when I was in pain and agony

You can’t hurt me anymore, I feel so relieved and free

Now I can finally rebuild myself and feel what it’s like to really be me

Now when you put the blame all on me, I can finally knowingly disagee

Now I can say I feel accepted and respected

My life is much easier when I can, once again with someone, be connected

I can now know when I need someone there I won’t be redirected

Now I have someone who makes me feel loved and protected

Now I can say I feel cherished and desired

He makes me feel worthy and actually admired

Instead of putting me down, he makes me so inspired

It’s such a nice change to feel this way, no vulnerability required

Being a Mom and Being Sick Really Sucks

So I have been horribly sick all day, I'm thinking the flu.  That mean I didn't have to go to school today... YAY!! That also means I got to keep my kids home today and still change diapers and make food and break up some fights and be a trampoline.  I have a sectional, so why my kids choose to still jump on the couch I'm on, hence jumping on me, instead of the OTHER couch, I'll never know.  Not to mention the new puppy needing to go outside in the cold every hour. If you don't normally go out every hour when I'm gone, why must you do it when I'm home sick?
One thing I'm sure of, that's okay. In the end it will all be worth it.  I can't get mad at them for being kids and doing what they normally do.  It's hard to not get mad sometimes. I try my hardest.
It's early and the kids are now sleeping and so I am in about ten minutes! I need to go to school tomorrow. One class, no school on Friday, I think I can handle one class. Then I'll have three days to get better by the time I am to go to school again.  Goodnight!